The definition of synchronicity is: “The coincidental occurrence of events that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality”.
I love synchronicity and it seems like the more one is aware of it, the more one sees the
relatedness of all things in the universe…
I have been writing about attachment styles and relationships for the past couple of weeks, and synchronistically, had a refresher course within in my own extended family relationships. I was reminded of how deeply ingrained these patterns of attachment can be and how difficult it can be to see them for what they are.
I was really angry with a harsh comment made by one family member about another. The family member that the comment was about is a person I am used to feeling very protective of, due to things that happened in the distant past, more than ten years ago. I was so angry and upset that I couldn’t stop thinking about it. After reflecting on, and questioning, the level and intensity of my anger, and writing about the issue, I realized, after a week or so, that my reaction to the comment was quite an overreaction.
I realized several things…that my reaction was based on old, now irrelevant, patterns of interaction, that the person who made the comment was likely having a tough time and could have used some support, and that, at some level, I was holding on to old resentments. The resentment was not only directed at the person who made the comment, but, and this was very surprising to me, was also directed towards the person the comment was about. My family relationships are really important to me, and in retrospect, I can see how differently I could have handled things, if that old blind spot had not been so intensely triggered.
It is not enough to just recognize that the pattern exists, It takes work to actually change it. It is my responsibility to ‘own’ that this is my issue and to let the people involved know that, but it is not easy. It involves letting go of that person and realizing that they don’t need protection anymore (read: doesn’t need me)….and there, in that statement, is that fear of loss/abandonment I spoke of in the relationship posts… if one lets go a little bit it feels like there is a risk of losing the person. In this case, there was also trauma involved, not for me, but being a helpless bystander to trauma is also very difficult and has long lasting effects. The feelings of resentment are a hangover from feeling helpless (this is a topic for a whole other post).
There is always risk attached to every relationship. We need to learn to tolerate this. When we have a new baby, for example, we often feel intense love followed by extreme anxiety that something might happen to this little being that we love so much. Unless we practice tolerating the risks, we will not be free to fully enjoy love.
This pattern, in these particular relationships, was deeply hidden from me until now. The synchronicity of this situation occurring, at just the same time I had relationships and
attachment uppermost in my mind, was the universe’s way of letting me know that maybe… I was just ready to let go.
This is a good example of how attachment applies to all relationships, not just couple relationships. Breaking free from these patterns is enlightening and freeing and is one giant step on the pathway to being the best version of ourselves that we can be.